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Having an orgasm during assault

This topic contains 4 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Jaxon 1 month, 3 weeks ago.

Having an orgasm during assault

  • Hey y’all,

    I’ve been having a really hard time the last few months about a 3 year sexual assault. My family refuses to acknowledge it, although it happened quite a long time ago.

    Some background information:
    I experienced this from a boy at my middle school when I was 11 until I was 14. He was a year older than me and lived pretty close to me. I lived by my elementary school which turned into a park after school was out. Basically he would come to my house and we would go to the park/school and go into the middle of the field, behind trees. No one could see us and what he did to me.

    I recently had a flashback about a fragment of these events as it happened on/off for 3 years. It seems like I’ve been getting fragments and flashbacks of the times where I was assaulted.

    As of last night, I had a flashback from when I experienced an orgasm during one of the times where I was assaulted. It feels upsetting that my body did this in a time where it was very vulnerable.

    I feel disgusted at myself for having “pleasure” during a time where it was traumatic; I also feel angry that the fact I had an orgasm, like my body betrayed me.

    I want to say I’m seeking out support as I am having a hard time coping with this. I have gone back to self harm behaviors along with eating disorder behaviors. Usually, I experience one or the other (Kati helped me understand this) but currently I am doing both.

    If anyone has support or experience with this, I would really appreciate it.

    Thank you,

    Jaxon

    I’m so sorry you were assaulted. No one deserves that. I understand about lot having supportive family. Is there anyone else you can talk to in real life about what happened? Maybe a therapist, counselor, friend, etc. Talking about it with a trusted professional might help process through it and also help with the self harm/ eating disorder. Also the body can respond physically during an assault even if we don’t want it to. So know that you didn’t want it, and any physical response your body had didn’t mean your wanted it or that you consented. Because you didn’t. I recently watched one of Kati’s YouTube videos where she talked about this. I can’t remember which video it was, but if I do I’ll put a link in the comments of this question.

    Its the bodies natural response. It doesn’t mean you wanted it to happen, doesnt make it any less real. Perhaps think about it like when someone is tickled, they may hate it but they also might squirm and laugh as if they were enjoying it.

    I am sorry this has happened to you 🙁 I relate to you. Our bodies are designed to react to touch. Please do not blame yourself, mind nor body, for what has happened and how it reacted to it. You have been violated by someone who took advantage of your vulnerability, and it doesn’t matter that the abuser’s age was close to yours. I am sorry that your family cannot support you or validate what has happened to you. I can’t imagine how this would make you feel … But the truth is : you were sexually abused, and it was NOT your fault. I urge you to seek help amongst professionals. Someone you feel comfortable talking to and opening up to. Someone who understands the tremendous trauma that abuse causes on the rest of your life. You can do this ! I urge you to take care of yourself because YOU matter and YOU have the right to claim your own life.

    I apologize for not being active, and responding to the messages.

    I want to thank you all for the responses.

    I do have access to a therapist, but with limited sessions. We are inching towards the trauma.

    I find anger in myself, because I feel like it could have been prevented. I feel like there could have been many times where I confessed to a teacher, a school counselor, or some other trusted adult. The only reason the abuse became open was the thought of possibly being pregnant.

    I have engaged in higher self harm, and eating disorder behaviors. I do believe those behaviors result in the abuse. I don’t know if others feel similar to this, but I have this mindset of “it’s my body, and I have the right to do what I want to it”. It feels like it intertwines with both self harm, and the eating disorder. It seems like it would make sense to back my body, and “not let them win”.

    I feel like I’m dealing with hyperarousal, because I’ve been facing panic attacks, and nightmares more often. I also believe it’s the time of year that contributes to the hyperarousal, because in January it clusters to all the abuse at that time.

    I apologize for the long message, but I greatly appreciate the support. I did read the comments when it was posted, but was unable to respond at the time. Thank you all for the responses!

    Jaxon

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