I had a good week, which made me bit healthier, but also heavier it freaked me out. I was trying to forget it, but my ED voice took over. I had a really bad binge/purge day, and usually what I do is I b/p and take lax after to get the rest out as fast as possible…. but because i b/p many times today I ended up taking a total of X lax!!! :/ and about X pills of diuretics b/c i was afraid i threw them back up… some probably came back up but not all…. it was a horrible day. I realized that I dont think it’s the weight that much… well it kind of is…. but what i really miss right now is feeling sick inside and weak and like a could pass out. I had a bad ED day, but I dont feel sick at all, and i hate it kind of. I really miss it.
yesterday i told my mom that i will start treatment when i start the next semester in october. it is the place 30min away from school where i would see a therapist and psychiatrist etc. every week, plus they make u go to a regular doctor to get labs done every week….. i went there once, but then when the psychiatrist was doing the initial appointment tkaing notes on everything i freaked out and told her that i need to rethink my decision and never came back. well anyways, i told my mom that i would go there. this was yesterday…. today i think: no way i will go into treatment. I want to lose weight and I want to be weak and skinny….
i hate this all. I am changing my mind every day and it’s pissing me off, as well as my mom… ugh…. i will never get anywhere doing that!