I had a good week, which made me bit healthier, but also heavier 
it freaked me out. I was trying to forget it, but my ED voice took over. I had a really bad binge/purge day, and usually what I do is I b/p and take lax after to get the rest out as fast as possible…. but because i b/p many times today I ended up taking a total of X lax!!! :/ and about X pills of diuretics b/c i was afraid i threw them back up… some probably came back up but not all…. it was a horrible day. I realized that I dont think it’s the weight that much… well it kind of is…. but what i really miss right now is feeling sick inside and weak and like a could pass out. I had a bad ED day, but I dont feel sick at all, and i hate it kind of. I really miss it.
yesterday i told my mom that i will start treatment when i start the next semester in october. it is the place 30min away from school where i would see a therapist and psychiatrist etc. every week, plus they make u go to a regular doctor to get labs done every week….. i went there once, but then when the psychiatrist was doing the initial appointment tkaing notes on everything i freaked out and told her that i need to rethink my decision and never came back. well anyways, i told my mom that i would go there. this was yesterday…. today i think: no way i will go into treatment. I want to lose weight and I want to be weak and skinny….
i hate this all. I am changing my mind every day and it’s pissing me off, as well as my mom… ugh…. i will never get anywhere doing that!
I know it is really hard!!!! So hard that sometimes we think we may be crazy because we change our minds so much, but we aren't!! Our ED voice just gets louder when it thinks it is in danger. It fights us and every healthy decision we try to make. That's why we have to fight back, and to be honest, that is why the ED voice vs healthy voice works so well. Whenever you are feeling strong again I would try to tell you mom that you need and want to go but will try and change your mind over and over...just let her know that in the end you will want to go. That way your ED can scream and shout..but it won't piss you mom off and feel quite as frustrating.. Do you think that will help at all?? Also, maybe it would help to journal or do a video about how much better it felt to see your old therapist, and she wasn't even that helpful all of the time, but I know that just the act of going to see someone can be so helpful:) Hang in there Mags!! I am rooting for you!!! xoxoxox
Kati Morton recently posted..up and down FOREVER
But I am not even sure if I really want to go in the end. Ugh Kati.... :/ idk... maybe i should just go there... even if its only just to make my mom shut up and happy and give her hope. lol. and maybe in the end i will like it there.... i feel like getting way to optimistic right now.... woah.... super anxious right now. oh well
urg i know this feeling, i was soooo anxious about my first therapist appointments! and even during the therapy whey she came up with something realling challenging i was sometimes just freaking out because i was so scared of these steps. it's like u know u should do it but then you don't want to because your ED makes you feel like you don't want it or that you can't handle it or that you need your ED and therapy would just take it away. it's so damn hard! but you can do it, trust me, I NEVER EVER thought that the fear will slowly (really slowly) fade away, I never believed that when someone told me stuff like that but it's true. I dont know how to explain and I dont want to say that everything is working out perfectly well for me...i guess i just wanted to say: you can do it! go for it, it's worth it! xoxo