Why Does My Eating Disorder Want to Impress My Therapist?

therapist kati morton

Eating Disorders are sneaky!

Hey Kati, just a question. Is it normal/how do I overcome trying to ‘impress’ my therapist. I’m seeing her for an ED and things have been getting progressively worse over the past few months so I’m going twice a week. She doesn’t weigh me but she asks and behaviors and weight and I feel like I want to ‘impress’ ‘shock’ her by loosing x amount of weight a week and doing a certain amount of behaviors. Maybe to justify having an ED? I have no idea, hope you can shed some light on this because I’m baffled. The logical part of my brain knows that it won’t shock her but my ED wants to try.

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  1. palmpalm

    I’m going to guess that everyone who has an ED has felt this way. I sure have. Like you said, a lot of the time we don’t think we’re “bad/sick enough” and feel like we need to affirmation. At least I think that’s the case for me. I’m not convinced that I have an ED, even though my T tells me all the time that I do. When I first started therapy, I’d want to look as thin as possible. Even when I go to the doctor and for a physical every year, I want to weigh less than I did the year before, or the same, but never more. I told my doc, last year, that I have an ED, but we didn’t discuss it really. She said that I “looked healthy.” (Ha, of course). I feel like if I weigh more, then she won’t think there’s anything wrong, not that she does now anyway.

    So with my T, she started weighing me because I “weighed too little.” It got to the point where if I didn’t gain weight, she wasn’t going to see me anymore. I called her her “firing” me. So, I did what every sick and disordered person does, figured out how to lie about my weight and trick the scale. She trusted me when she shouldn’t have. I am the most honest person, but my ED is not. I almost got caught once. It was horrible, but I talked my way out of it. I hated lying to her and still feel guilty about it, but I did what I had to do to not get “fired,” without actually having to gain weight. I still don’t weigh what she said I needed to weigh to stay in therapy, but she stopped weighing me because it wasn’t getting us anywhere. I could go on and on but no one will probably read this anyway.