Friday 6th July.
I’ve woken up, but not at home. I’m in a hospital. I know this. I don’t know the why’s but I feel calm about it. I feel tired actually. Exhausted. A friend from work is now sitting on the bed, she is in her uniform, she has hold of my uniform. Crap, someone has undressed me & put me in a hospital gown. Someone has seen me practically naked. Now I’m not calm. What must they have thought? I start frantically thinking about what I’ve ate over the past couple of days, when did I last purge? I can’t remember anything.
A nurse is handing me a forticreme with a smile. A warm smile. A devious smile, I’m a pharmacy technician, I know how gross those things are, I know exactly how many calories are in those. The fact Nutricia even call them ‘puddings’ is a joke.
Anyway, to cut out a few hours, I’m home now. I’d collapsed at work which is odd because I can’t remember feeling faint or anything but my body has become very distant from me I’m not surprised it didn’t bother to warn me. My friend told me I must have been having a bad day, which got me thinking enough to write this. My mind or my ED has got me believing everything is opposite. I wasn’t having a bad day, I was having a good day… I hadn’t eaten, that means no extra exercising, no purging. A bad day for me is when I have eaten, and not just eaten because I’m out with friends but when I walk 10 minutes away from my work so I can have a cereal bar & an orange without anybody knowing. Maybe a bag of Snack a Jacks. I keep walking. Probably a sprinkled doughnut. More walking, another shop, I buy a strawberry gingerbread man. I reach the park. This is where it gets tricky but I have done it so many times it’s like committing the perfect crime. Expect now feel like a failure. Now I feel disgusting, now I feel pathetic. Now I’m yelling at myself for being 24 years old and not being able to behave like an adult. I’m stupid, I know this. What I don’t know is why my ED chooses to leave me when I need it the most. It’s okay, It’s over, I feel better, lighter, happier. I practically skip back to work… And my ED is back beside me, congratulating me. I’m not sure if I missed him or not.
I’m fully aware of my ED, it befriended me over 7 years ago & it’s been that friend I’m sure everyone has that you just can’t shake off, the friend you love to hate, or hate to love. It’s been so long I struggle to differentiate his voice and mine sometimes. Sometimes I wonder if I even have a voice. I was also told by a doctor about my ED, but like I said I work in pharmacy & I know how many mistakes doctors make. I see doctors write prescriptions out saying “Place one drop in write eye” Hello?
Saturday 7th July
I’m going to cook! A whole meal, from scratch. I cook chicken Skewers with peppers and babycorn & green beans cooked in curry powder and desiccated coconut with lemon juice drizzled over. It was delicious.
I haven’t purged. I don’t want to. Is this a good day or a bad day? Now I’m struggling to tell them apart. How can I be ill? How can I be suffering? I have friends, good friends. I hold down a full time job, I’m fortunate. I have a degree, my ED robbed me of my school exams but I went to university anyway. I go to comedy festivals, I go to music concerts, I laugh at something everyday, yet these are my bad days aren’t they? I don’t know anymore. I think nothing of sitting on the living room floor bingeing, kneeling by the toilet, being hunched over in the shower, crying in the bathroom at work because someone looked at my belly and I see the disgust, the disappointment in their eyes. The fear of stepping on the scales, the greater fear of walking away from them.
The lines are becoming fuzzy, I guess I’m “living in the grey” which can only be a good thing, right? I’m in the inbetween. Everyday is a struggle, it always has been. Sometimes I lose, I fall flat on my face, like yesterday. Somedays I win, like today. (I hope – it’s not over yet) But at least I’m trying & right now that’s all I’m asking of myself.
I actually post this without backing out.
I got distracted by photo’s. I couldn’t decide which one was best suited so I’ll let you decide.
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