So I decided to reflect on some ED/ Body Image related things… First I tried to think back to a time where I wasn’t concerned about my weight and body, but I couldn’t remember anything specific. So then I thought maybe it would be easier to think of my earliest memory of being concerned about my weight. That was much easier; this memory is quite vivid. I was three, lying on one of those napping mats at pre-school…mine had Winnie the Pooh on it so I thought it was cool. Anyways, all of the other kids were sleeping and I remember lying there staring at the ceiling, praying to God that when I woke up all of the fat would magically be gone from my body and would be beautiful. It really bothers me that this happened when I was so young… so then I thought to myself how did that happen to me so early? I don’t believe that anyone is born with body hatred and feelings like that; those kinds of things are learned. So then I thought, “hey, I must have picked this stuff up from my family”…so then I thought about that, and based on how my family thinks about weight/body image now this totally makes sense (or so I think…). For starters, based on the way my mother talks sometimes, it wouldn’t surprise me if she ran some kind of pro-eating disorder website. She’s constantly boasting how she only eats one meal a day and I can probably recite her calorie intake from the past month. My older sisters are always looking in the mirror talking about what they don’t like about themselves…and the way they talk openly with my mother about weight is really triggering for me. They are constantly talking about how anyone over xxxlbs is fat , and if they ever weighed that much they would just be so embarassed that they would stop eating. Of course, that magical threshold number is quite a bit under my weight (even though my current weight is “normal” for my height…I am quite tall). Even though I know I am being really dangerous with my ED and unhealthy, I can’t help but strive to fit in with my mother and sisters. I would do anything to be under that threshold…and I feel like since I am not I’m kind of worthless to my mom and I won’t be good enough until I am no longer fat. It just makes me angry that I have had to feel like this since I was 3…no one should ever feel like they aren’t good enough so young. I can’t help but feel a lot resentment towards my mom, and I know I shouldn’t. I chose to feel this way. It just makes me angry that I didn’t choose to feel worthy. I just want to feel like I am worth something to someone.
sorry if this is confusing…I’m kinda all over the place