This video is something that I wanted to create to get you thinking about what it is that you hunger for. I don’t mean hunger for food, but instead hunger for things in life. Hunger for love, affection, attention, etc. In order to even begin to think about what it is each of us hunger for, I want you to try and access that inner voice that I have talked about in my past video. Sometimes this can be a childhood memory or simply a very nice memory that we return to because of the great significance it has for us. Did you feel joyful? When was the last time you felt joy? Or maybe it was freedom you felt. Can you think of a time when you felt so free from all of the worry and anxiety? Try to remember a time in your life when you felt one of these things, because this can help unearth what it is that we crave and hunger for. If neither of those thoughts work, maybe it is love that you crave. Have you ever felt pure love from someone and given it to them in return? This does not have to be romantic love, but this can be a close friend or family member who helped us through a hard time.
When we begin to dig through these memories and think about what it is we crave we can start to find out why we have an eating disorder in the first place. An eating disorder does not come out of nowhere! It was created to protect us from unhappy times and unwanted emotion. It helps us focus our time and energy onto something else. But it’s reason for being is no longer here and we will have to dig through these emotions as search for recovery.
Take some time, jot down the things that you feel hunger or yearn for. Be patient with yourself, I know that your ED will tell you how shameful each and everyone of those needs is, but IT IS NOT!! We are all human, we all have needs and things that we hunger for. Let’s start talking about this and begin to peel back what it is that we have been hiding from for all this time.
I need...
...hugs (my parents didn’t give hugs, now that my mom knows about the sexual abuse, she wants to hug me, but it feels weird and I hate it. I want my cat to be just human size, so that he can just hug me! Well or Kati just come over and hugs me… since she likes hugs yeah, so no hugs for me…. Well I do get pillow hugs at night)
...somebody who actually cares (well, nobody cares. Nobody would even notice if I was dead – well besides my family, because they would have to pay my funeral)
...somebody who just asks :"how r u today?" (I probably would just think: Why do u even talk to me? Leave me alone. You are fake)
...to be skinny (ugh… I am gonna fail at this one just as much as I fail at everything else)
...to be able to enjoy my life (well I hate it, so how can I enjoy it?)
...to not f*** up my life (I just tend to enjoy fu***ing it up)
...to just have one f***ing day where I don't think about all those million of things I still have to do (given my chosen career, that’s not gonna happen)
...to be less tired (not possible, if I keep eating like a crap)
...a brain transplant (impossible)
...a friend that is here and actually cares about me (not gonna happen, because i isolate myself and just hate people)
...to be dead (given the situation I am in… it is the most likely to come true)
Well I am sending hugs your way:) and I do LOVE them:) xoxoxo Oh, and I CARE...remember that when you are feeling sad. I care. A lot. <3
Kati Morton recently posted..Hunger for Feelings - Eating Disorder Video #24
Kati, I'm currently working on this very topic in therapy. I'm so uncomfortable with feelings, in all their forms, and am working on getting to the root of why that is. My therapy assignment this week deals with some of that; and I just wanted to let you know that this video really helped me open myself to the assignment. I found myself kind of "stuck" and unable to really put into words why I loathe emotions so much but what you said about the shame behind having any "needs" or emotions really rings true for me. I work so hard to get rid of all my needs (gag) that I was unable to even put that concept into words. I know in the beginning you said this topic is a bit abstract, and perhaps it is, but I for one would appreciate more videos on this and similar topics.
I am so glad that you were able to look back at this video and gain some insight!!! It sounds like you are doing some great, and really hard, work with your therapist. I am really proud of you!! I will definitely do more videos like this...to be honest...this is how I am with my clients..and I really like to get into this stuff so I will put a few more on my list to do asap:) Keep me posted and let me know if there is anything specific you would like me to address:)