This topic contains 5 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of Maureen Maureen 1 month ago.

a few questions! ED, derealization, school

  • Profile photo of Maureen

    Hey Kati,

    First of all I want to say that it was so nice meeting you, you are the best! <3 And I’m glad you like the bag 🙂 I have a few questions, sorry that it’s so long, I hope they don’t take up too much time!

    What’s your opinion on trying to recover from an eating disorder by pretending that you don’t have it? I keep telling myself that I don’t have an eating disorder and that I can’t be scared of any foods, but I am. I’m so tired of having an ED, I just don’t want it anymore. I feel like I shouldn’t have any ED thoughts, because I’m at a healthy weight now and I don’t like my ED anymore. Can you recover by pretending that you don’t have it?

    And when is it ‘safe’ to lose weight? I feel like I have gained way too much and I want to lose weight again (not until I’m underweight again, just a few kilos). Now I skip school a lot, because I think that I’m too fat to go outside. I just want to be skinnier, but not obsessed with what I eat and what I weigh. My doctor doesn’t want to refer me to a dietician, because he thinks that I don’t need to lose weight, because I’m at a ‘healthy weight’. Is there any way I can safely lose weight on my own? I’m afraid that I can’t stop once I start.

    I was also wondering if derealization can go away. I have had it non-stop since August and I’m scared that it will never go away. I have C-PTSD, so that might be the reason for it. My old therapist told me that I needed to take meds (the psychiatrist lied about weight gain not being a side effect, so I never took them) and said that it will never go away if I don’t take them. But I did some research and in a lot of articles they say that there are no meds for it. What’s your opinion on this? Will it ever go away?

    One more question: I have my english and german exam in 3 weeks (writing and reading exams). I skip school quite often, because I have no motivation and energy to do stuff or my anxiety is so bad that I can’t go outside. I don’t know how to prepare for these exams, because I have no concentration and motivation left to study. I also have to read about 7 books for english and 7 books for german in the next 2 months. I can’t take a break from school, because I just started it after a 2 year break. I am in special education, so I get 30 minutes extra for each exam. I have too many things going on and I’m feeling so drained. Do you have tips on how to survive the exams?

    Thanks you so much for everything you do! I am super grateful for you! <3

    XXX Maureen 🙂

    Profile photo of Elphaba

    Hi Maureen,

    I’m not Kati, but I do have some thoughts on your questions. In my experience, pretending your ED is not there does not really work. It sometimes helps a bit in the way that it might help to focus on other things and make food, body, and weight less important, but that’s about it. And from what you are asking in your second question, I think it’s not really taking your mind off food and weight. ED’s are not fun and they are very sneaky and hard to get rid off. However, they say it’s possible.

    And for your second question: losing weight is a tricky business when are have (had) an ED. It is THE way to stay focused on food and weight and to be honest, I think it will be extremely hard to stop when you’ve lost the weight (as you already said), or it will trigger binges, or it will be both. Since you have a healthy weight, I think it’s not worth the risk. You say you are tired of having an ED, and I think becoming ok with your current weight will be way more helpful in achieving that than trying to lose weight.

    I don’t know much about C-PTST, so I can’t help you with that.

    But about your last question. Judging your written English, I am not expecting you to struggle with your English exam. I don’t know anything about your German skills, but from my experience, you can’t really prepare for those language exams. And for the books, are there any requirements for the books (do they need to be from a certain list?). There are many amazing English books that might really grab your attention and might make reading a lot less unachievable.

    I hope this helped a bit,
    Take care
    Liefs,
    Elphaba

    Profile photo of Maureen

    Hey Elphaba,

    thanks for your reply! I tried to answer earlier this week, but for some reason it didn’t post…

    I know that I don’t have to lose weight, but I can’t be this fat for the rest of my life. I just want to be normal. But I try really hard not to relapse, even though it’s hard #woopwoop.

    I’m most worried about not being able to go to the exams and not studying for them. My depression and anxiety are getting worse and I only leave the house when I force myself to go outside for a walk. It’s not that the books are boring, I just don’t have the concentration to read them.

    I’m really scared of therapists, because I have some really bad experiences. But I’m gonna try it one more time… I found someone that looked okay. The only downside is that the waiting list is 4-5 months and I need to go to my GP first. So I’m gonna do that.. someday.. #QueenOfProcrascination

    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by Profile photo of Maureen Maureen.
    Profile photo of Elphaba

    Hi Maureen,
    I know how hard it is not to relapse (and accept your weight), but trust me, losing weight will not make you feel better. It will never be good enough, so it’s a losing battle.

    And I understand that it might not the books are boring, but it sometimes helps if the books are super interesting. I really hope that you will be able to push through because the longer you stay inside, the harder it gets to go out.

    And I hear ya about bad experiences. It makes it so extremely hard to try again, but 4-5 months is a long time, so I would suggest you procrastinate while being on the waiting list. 😉

    Take Care!
    Elphaba

    Profile photo of Kati Morton

    Hey Maureen,

    It was great meeting you as well!! I had such an amazing time in Amsterdam!! I hope I get to come back again next year 🙂 xoxo

    As for your questions, I totally understand not wanting to have an ED anymore, but pretending that it’s not there doesn’t make it go away. The best way to make our ED go away is to challenge it (by eating what you want, and not listening to it) but also working through the reason it exists for you (my guess would be the C-PTSD has something to do with it). Once that hurt is healed or at least not hurting as much, our need for the ED will go away.

    Losing weight while in recovery is not something I like at all. In truth, we can’t really see ourselves properly and since your doctor says you are at a healthy weight, that means you don’t need to lose weight and that need to lose weight is coming from your ED. So talk back to it.. cause it’s lying to you!!! Fight back! You got this! xoxo

    Derealization cannot be treated with medication. The best way to treat it is to work through the trauma and use grounding techniques. The articles you read are correct.. the medications are not made for that. It can help lower your anxiety or lessen your depression or other symptoms but not derealization.

    Lastly, school. Maybe try studying in smaller chunks. Also, since you are still struggling, you could speak up and ask to have a bit more time to take one or 2 exams (meaning that you could take them a week or 2 after the others so you have more time). I know you already took time off, but that doesn’t mean you are feeling your best right now. You know?? It’s okay to take more time if you need it. xoxo I also have some older videos on school stress and tips that way if you need those 🙂 xoxo

    Profile photo of Maureen

    Thank you so much, Kati! <3

    Sadly I can’t take the exams on another day, because everyone (in the Netherlands) has to do it on the same day and the same time. I haven’t started studying at all, oops… and I haven’t had German and English in over 2 years.
    I really wish I could take a break from school, but I’m in special education and it’s hard to get in there (I had to wait for 6 months). If I stop going to school, I’ll lose my spot and then I’ll never graduate from high school. But I think I’m gonna let the school know what’s going on (they already know quite a bit), maybe they can help me in some way.

    Thank you for answering all those questions. I trust you more than anyone else, so it’s really helpful! <3

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