Dear Kati,
Where do I begin? I guess it’s a safe to say that I’ve hit an all-time low. But just when you think you’ve hit rock bottom, things always get worse…Anyways, I guess I should explain what’s going on right? So I think I’m bulimic(I usually purge multiple times a day …so I must have some kind of ED right?). Either way, I know I’ve had this problem for awhile; I’m 17 and started when I was 12. This year, it has just taken over my entire life, combined with anxiety and panic attacks. I can’t even bring myself to go to school because of what’s going on, and this frustrates my parents beyond anything I’ve ever experienced (but they don’t know what’s wrong). I’m a AP student and used to have straight A’s, but now I’m failing all of my classes except for 1 (and that’s only because this teacher understands what’s going on and has been easy with me). So now on top of being not good enough by my own standards, I’m not good enough by anyone’s standards. I’m afraid to go to school because of people scutinizing me, my anxiety, and my puring. I also feel like know one really cares about me. All my parents care about is my grades, which I’ve ruined. I have a few really close guy friends who would do anything for me, but sometimes I question their intentions. They’re the best friends and the nicest people in the whole world, so I don’t no why I question them. I also feel bad when I ask them to call me; they always say that they’re always there for me, but I feel bad that I need to waste their time with things that I should be able to control and get over. They’re busy, they shouldn’t have to take time for me…I’m not worth it. And even though I have these people that are there for me, I can’t help but feel alone. I feel pathetic. I feel isolated because of my eating disorder. Like no one will understand no matter how much they may care about me now. I don’t know where to go from here. I feel like my world as falling apart all around me. I ruined my entire future…I was supposed to make a difference in the world. I was supposed to help people. Now I’m not going anywhere. I feel like my life is over. It makes me angry; I feel angry at myself for letting my ED take over my entire life. I don’t know if I can turn this around…
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I am so glad that you found my site!!! Thanks for reaching out:) To be honest, just reaching out is a huge step..so I think this is already a success! As far as what to do next, I would say reach out to those friends. You do deserve their attention and support. I know that your ED tells you that you do not, but it will only lie to you. I find that the more we talk about our ED the less power it has over us. Also, I would get a journal and begin doing an exercise I call ED voice vs healthy voice. Split the page in 2 and in one column start writing down what your ED says to you..all the nasty, hurtful things it fills your head with all day. In other column talk back to your ED from a healthy standpoint. For example, if your ED voice says "you are so lazy" you talk back with "I do so much everyday and I am going to listen to by body and rest for a minute." Does that make sense? That's usually the best place to start. Let me know how it goes okay. You aren't alone. This will get better. I promise <3
Kati Morton recently posted..Alone,anxious,scared...help!
Thanks so much for replying! I bought a journal and began to follow your suggestion. However, when I tried to write the healthy standpoints I fell short. For example, I felt guilty about reaching out to you at all. I felt weak, like I was succumbing to the pressures of my ED since I couldn’t handle this myself. When I tried to write a healthy response to that, I couldn’t help but continue to feel bad about it without replacing it with something more positive. I know this is only a first attempt at this and I shouldn’t be so quick to feel like I failed at it, but does it get easier? And sorry to be a nuisance, but I watched your video about dealing with anxiety a few weeks ago and was wondering if you had any additional tips? Sometimes the tips in the video help but sometimes they don’t…